Feeling Powerless? How Counselling & Psychotherapy Can Help You Take Back Control.
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Have you ever felt as though life is happening to you rather than being something you have any control over?
Perhaps you're constantly trying to change a situation, fix a relationship, manage other people's behaviour or make circumstances different - but despite all your best efforts, you still feel stressed, frustrated and powerless.
This is something I understand personally, as well as something I see regularly in my work as a therapist.
What I learned about feeling powerless
When I first went to therapy nearly 20 years ago I thought I was there to find ways to change things outside of myself - circumstances, situations, even other people. What I discovered was something very different.
When we continually ignore ourselves, our needs, feelings and reactions, we can gradually give away our sense of personal power.
I'd spent years putting enormous amounts of time and energy into things I had absolutely no control over. Unsurprisingly this often left me feeling exhausted, frustrated and pretty powerless!
My therapist gently and patiently helped me understand that my real power came from choosing to spend my time and energy on what I could influence - myself! Instead of trying to control other people and situations, I could begin paying attention to my own thoughts, feelings, perceptions, reactions and responses, which was incredibly liberating and empowering.
You can't control everything - but you can choose how you respond
One of the most useful things I learned in therapy was the difference between what we can control and what we can't.
We can't control what another person thinks, says or does.
We can't control every situation that happens to us.
We can't always change our circumstances.
But we can begin to explore how we respond.
That doesn't mean simply 'choosing to be positive' or pretending difficult things don't affect us. It means developing a greater awareness of what is happening internally and beginning to make more conscious choices about how we respond.
This can be particularly helpful when you're dealing with difficult relationships, conflict, anxiety, stress, uncertainty, overwhelm or situations that seem to leave you constantly reacting.
How counselling can help you regain a sense of control
Over the years, I've worked with many clients who come to counselling with similar feelings of powerlessness. They often arrive with a sense that life is controlling them, rather than the other way around and no idea how to change it.
They may have spent years waiting for a person, relationship, workplace or situation to change so they can stop feeling the way they do. And they are often exhausted from trying to make that happen.
Our work together can take a different direction.
Rather than spending more time and energy trying to find the perfect way to change things they've already spent years trying to change, we gently turn their attention back towards themselves.
We might explore:
How you interpret situations and other peoples behaviour
The stories you tell yourself about what's happening
The expectations and judgements you make about yourself and others
How you respond when you're hurt, angry, anxious or overwhelmed
Patterns that keep repeating in your relationships
Whether your current responses are actually helping you
How you might respond differently
How to establish and maintain healthier boundaries
What is within your control - and what isn't
The aim isn't to blame yourself for difficult situations. It's about discovering where your own choices, responses and influence actually lie.
Small changes can have a big impact.
When clients begin to recognise that they have choices in how they respond, things can start to change.
They might begin to pause before reacting
They might become more comfortable saying no.
They might set a boundary rather than repeatedly tolerating something that causes them distress.
They might stop trying to convince someone to understand them and instead decide what they need to do for themselves.
They may begin responding to difficult situations in ways that produce different outcomes.
These changes rarely arrive with a fanfare. Often they happen quietly and gradually.
A pause here.
A different response there.
A boundary that would once have felt impossible.
A moment when you realise you've handled something differently from how you would have done in the past.
And, over time those small changes can begin to add up.
Life can start to feel less overwhelming.
You can feel less reactive.
You may being to trust yourself more.
And you can develop a growing sense that, although you can't control everything that happens around you, you have much more influence over your own life than you previously realised.
Are you ready to focus on what you can control?
Counselling isn't about telling you what to do, or giving you a set of instructions for how to live your life.
It's about creating a safe, confidential space where you can explore what's happening, understand yourself more deeply and consider different ways of responding.
If you're tired of feeling powerless, overwhelmed or stuck, counselling could help you redirect your time and energy towards things you can influence.
If you're looking for counselling in Leeds, West Yorkshire and would like to talk about whether I might be the right counsellor for you, I'd be happy to hear from you.
Kathryn
07305 485955
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